I was invited to see the new version of Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark and I went out of sheer curiosity. I was intrigued by the facts: this has been the most expensive show ever produced on Broadway ($70 million and counting!), the show with the most preview performances (146, compared to the usual 30) and also the show with the most cast injuries, due to the demanding aerial stunts. The original concept by director Julie Taymor was panned by critics and abhorred by the comic franchise’s die-hard fans, because (the horror!) dared to renovate the familiar story of the boy spider. I can’t speak for that show because I didn’t get a chance (read: didn’t really care) to see it. But I can speak for the new version that premiered after the firing of Taymor and the complete overhaul of the story and music.

I know I am not your typical Broadway musical fan, but I could not believe just how absurdly $70 million could be wasted. Yes, there are flying men in spider costumes, the blink-and-you’ll-still-see-them cable wires none-withstanding, and yes, there are some visually stunning sets, but I found the whole thing to be an embarrassing case of ridiculous. The storyline is so lightweight that it feels like it’s supported by the same heavy-duty wires that are throwing the poor Spider-Man stuntmen around the theater. The music is so tepid and boring, it made me wish Bono would stick to what he knows best: philanthropy. The actors are wooden at best when they’re not obviously embarrassed by their own lines, and the choreography is out of a Nickelodeon kids show, fun if you’re five. Did I mention that there are characters who resemble the big, bad cartoon types from comic books with giant spongy heads and cigars sticking out of their spongy mouths, or that there’s an inflatable character that gets to wrestle with a real person? I didn’t think I had to in order to communicate just how bad this show is.

The shocker for me is not the delirious audience members who hoot and clap at every turn. They’re justified by the fact that they paid $500 for a family of four on tickets alone. No, the shocker is how kind the press has been to this new version of the show. They all loved to hate the show when it was still in previews, even if they were not supposed to review it until it officially opens. But get rid of the female director with a strong point of view, get rid of any creative license and originality, and you have a brand new bland winning show.

Throughout the never-ending travesty of so-called theater, I imagined the legions of amazing works of art that could have been developed if young, creative, passionate theater people were blessed with the $70 million that was wasted on this chimera.

Perhaps budget-inflated, over-hyped, bigger-than-life works of art have to succeed in order to justify spending obscene amounts of dollars on the next proposed mega-production that promises to rake in mega-profits. Otherwise, we might be stuck with small-scale, low-budget productions that only offer artistic merit or challenge our perceptions or, god forbid, make us think. Who needs that kind of thing when a shiny Spider-Man dangling from a thick cable wire could still fall on his face and make our $140 ticket worthwhile?